One of my goals for these holidays is to begin work on one of my novels. The "begin" part is already achieve but I've only written 1277 words so far! Some chapter book! Before I continue work, I wanted to know if people would be interested in the story and what changes I could make, in general. Without further a do, I present to you the first 2 paragraphs of my novel, 'The Clock Maker's Daughter:
Scampering down the cobblestone street ran a young girl with her skirts, cut to fall no further than her knees, hoisted up in her hands as she sprinted. Onlooking women tittered at the sight of the youth’s bare calves. However, her tightly coiled ringlets spoke of wealth and respectable status, greatly confusing the ladies lining the street. Running toward the city’s heart was a very curious little lady.The Post Office was clear in view by the time Cora slowed to a skip. It was a large building. Post Offices aren’t often built to be pretty and this structure was no exception. Though constructed with only practicality in mind, there was an odd beauty to the red brick, box like building with copper pipes snaking around every inch of it. The girl danced up the grand staircase leading toward the three glass doors in the red brick of the building. Pushing through the bustling crowd of workers, young boys on errands and fine gentlemen, gathered on the staircase, she came to the main door. She pressed the brass button next to the door and then listened as gears clicked and whirred from within the wall. The only impractical aspect of the Post Office was its automated doors. When the door eventually opened, Cora and a gaggle of impatient men filed into the Post Office.
So, what do you think? Would you be intrigued to read more of that book. Please leave criticisms and opinions in the comments below because it would be very helpful for more and your comments make me happy! :) BYE! (I still love you) (Btw, the novel is aimed at Young Adults [teens])
I don't know why my post is running off the page but hopefully you can still read it!
ReplyDeleteI honestly think that's really interesting... A gaggle of impatient men! Love it!
ReplyDeleteOkay, now I'm going to be nitpicky (is that how you spell it?) (that's what you asked for!):
if you're concerned about absences of length, I think some further descriptive detail wouldn't go astray. Of course, if you have included this in other parts of the novel, just ignore me, but I really think you could squeeze out, say, her run on the cobblestone street (love that phrase) further... at the moment, I don't really get absolutely caught up in the surroundings... believe it or not, I wanted to know what it would smell like, the sounds, what other activity was going on, who else was there, and most of all, what Cora felt like and so on and so on and so on.
Just a technical comment as well; the line where you say 'Post offices aren't built to be pretty...' just doesn't fit for me. I don't know if its because its not Quite 3rd person any more, or because its a bit less formal, or what, but it just sort of stopped the flow a bit for me.
Also, what era are you writing in? At first I assumed, from your reference to shocking bare calves, that it was well, for want of further clarification in the 'olden days' but then I was confused by the automatic doors... or is it not set on earth?
Please know that despite these constructive criticisms, I did really enjoy it... it was only when I went through it with a metaphorical fine tooth comb that I was able to pick up a couple of areas for improvement.
I really do think it's an intriguing story and I can't wait to read more!
Bookworm